I was wondering why saying goodbye has always made me so frustrated (I've avoided the end of relationships and graduations and partings for years)
I was shown a list of all the people I've felt I truly loved up till now in life. back through best friends and high school girlfriends and middle school crushes and childhood playmates. as each one came up in front of me I asked
"Is this where I started being afraid of saying goodbye?"
and the answer was no. Over and over again.
I kept going back in my life until I saw myself as a little kid (about five)
I was told to stop and think about this for a bit.
All the sudden I was standing in the grass in our front yard, kicking a black and white soccer ball back and forth with a little boy (It's me as a five year old)
I started talking to myself like I would talk to a little kid now
"hey buddy, how's it goin?"
I was trying to think of what was important to me at this time in my life
I talk back and forth with myself for a minute and then remember that this was when Mom was pregnant with Faith! of course!
So I ask if I'm excited to have a new baby sister.
"no, not really" little me says.
"why not?"
"because I'm the youngest, and I'm the cute little brother! now she's going to get all the attention!"
and it was funny to see myself demanding attention like this (because that never stopped being a thing)
but I feel bad because I know that Faith is going to have a rough time with feeling wanted.
I try to explain to myself how she doesn't get aaaall the attention and there's still plenty for me, but younger me is just mad and won't listen. So I start telling myself a story.
up until this point in the dream it felt like I was just me from right now in my life, but as I start the story I realize that it's one my spirit had forgotten. So maybe some older version of me was telling me now and five year old me the story. I don't really understand it. but that's how it felt.
here is the story:
"when jenny was born, mom and dad were having a hard time over whether or not they should have more kids. Dad felt like they shouldn't because of pressure from his and mom's parents and worries over not having enough. Mom knew there were more spirits on the way and wanted to let them come to earth.
To help dad feel better about our decision to come, I came and told him that I was going to be his son and my name. Then I came back to the place where Heather, Olivia, John, and Faith were and told them M&D were ready for us. I looked up to Faith a lot as a spirit and she said we should let Heather and Olivia go first. so we did that. After sending them off, I felt sad about how hard it is to say goodbye to someone until the next time you're all in spirit together again. So I joked and told Faith that I won't say goodbye to her when it was my turn to go. But then actually didn't say goodbye."
at this point I stopped the story to gauge what little me though; he was standing there sort of digging his toe in the dirt and thinking really hard.
"I guess that makes sense" he says, so what then? (like, "so what am I supposed to do?")
I tell him that Faith will come and have a hard time anyway and be very sensitive to leaving and coming and how sad it is. and I tell him to just love her carefully because she'll need it and we owe her one.
then he asks when I'll be back and runs up the steps to go inside. I see mom in the old kitchen making food through the partially cracked door.
I ask younger me "wait, can I have a hug?"
and as I kneel on the steps to hug myself i feel this field of energy explode out away from us and expand out into the universe.
And the thought kept coming to me, "Zion, you came first to experience being the older sibling because Faith is the older soul." the rest of the time I was asleep that night.
here is the story:
"when jenny was born, mom and dad were having a hard time over whether or not they should have more kids. Dad felt like they shouldn't because of pressure from his and mom's parents and worries over not having enough. Mom knew there were more spirits on the way and wanted to let them come to earth.
To help dad feel better about our decision to come, I came and told him that I was going to be his son and my name. Then I came back to the place where Heather, Olivia, John, and Faith were and told them M&D were ready for us. I looked up to Faith a lot as a spirit and she said we should let Heather and Olivia go first. so we did that. After sending them off, I felt sad about how hard it is to say goodbye to someone until the next time you're all in spirit together again. So I joked and told Faith that I won't say goodbye to her when it was my turn to go. But then actually didn't say goodbye."
at this point I stopped the story to gauge what little me though; he was standing there sort of digging his toe in the dirt and thinking really hard.
"I guess that makes sense" he says, so what then? (like, "so what am I supposed to do?")
I tell him that Faith will come and have a hard time anyway and be very sensitive to leaving and coming and how sad it is. and I tell him to just love her carefully because she'll need it and we owe her one.
then he asks when I'll be back and runs up the steps to go inside. I see mom in the old kitchen making food through the partially cracked door.
I ask younger me "wait, can I have a hug?"
and as I kneel on the steps to hug myself i feel this field of energy explode out away from us and expand out into the universe.
And the thought kept coming to me, "Zion, you came first to experience being the older sibling because Faith is the older soul." the rest of the time I was asleep that night.
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